Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Round #4- Happy Birthday!


Not wanting to be doing this on my birthday.  Since I was not given a choice, kicking cancer's butt is my gift.

Here are my two Birthday presents! 
Escolta, is a 6 year old PRE Andalusian horse imported from Spain. He is a sweet, kind horse who would prefer to crawl up on your lap and be a "house pet". The other is "Lilly", a 3 month old mini-horse, who is 23" tall and will mature to under 30". She likes riding around in the back seat of our truck and follows us all around the farm. The "big" horses are not quite sure what to think of her, but Lilly is sure she is the boss!
As you can see I have been quite busy and very blessed to have these new additions to our family. No time to deal with the aches and pains of chemo. 
I had my fourth round of chemo and am coming up ( in a week) to my fifth round. I will have to say the side effects are getting stronger, but being so close to victory is my reward. 
In less than four weeks I will be done, hopefully forever. Or at the least, for many, many years 
of remission. 
My heart scan was normal. 
Guess that shitty, "red drug" that I told you about earlier has not been able to take me down. My heart is undamaged and looking really strong.
As I approach the end of treatment, I can't help but allow all those all those negative thoughts to creep in. Like, how am I supposed to live everyday thinking about the next scan or feeling for another "lump" on my body. After everything I have been through, I cannot allow this to take even one minute out of this precious life I am living. If I do, then I am a prisoner of this disease.
I have earned my "freedom" and deserve to live well.
I am doing everything I can to "survive" this, and so far I am.

The best part of today: Going to "play" with my new my presents.

The worse part of today: Sending my kids off to school, I like having their company.


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Round 3- Good news!

I can't beleive I am officailly half way done!  Hurray!
I am happy to report that my last PET scan, done last Friday, was completly NORMAL!
No sign of any cancer, activity or tumors. All GONE. This means I am responding very well to treatment and once I complete my treatment I have a better prognosis for the future. 
As I just finished chemo yesterday and feeling all the gross effects at least I can be encouraged to know that it is really working. My "search and destroy" mission is in effect and all those cancer cells are dying. So far, I am in control of this battle and WINNING!
As some of you already know, I decided to switch my treatment to Palo Alto Medical. I am seeing the head oncologist there. She has a delightful bedside manner and is very attentive to my needs, which I am sad to say I did not get from Stanford. After waiting four hours to see a fellow resident ( not even my own doctor) and then another 8 hours in the chemo ward. I decided that environment was not healthy for me to be in. I have enjoyed my experience at PAMF it is much more personal, you are not just a "chart" but a real person with feelings. 
For example when I had my scan I got a call from my doctor a 6:00 that night to give me the good news, at Stanford I would have waiting at least 5 days to get the results. You can imagine how pain staking it is to wait.
Now, I am at a better place so I can continue to keep positive and generate good energy.
As I have had some time on my hands during my "sucky" days,  to relive my "cancer blues"
I have decided to plan some traveling. Although I have always had the ambition to travel the world, my fear of flying has always stopped me. Well, that has changed. Flying is the last thing I am afraid of, in fact after this battle there is nothing I am afraid of. That is one of the good qualities this disease brings. Is lack of fear.
My first trip will be to Spain to train with silver Olympic medalist, Juan Matute. He happens to be the the trainer of my beloved Andalusian stallion, Bizarro XX. Who passed away from a fatal condition last November. There has not been a day that goes by that I do not think of him. He was an angel and he brought me so much joy and happiness. I look forward to seeing him again someday.  This trip will not only be inspirational for me but also full fill my passion for the Spanish arts and architecture. 
We spent a lovely weekend at our Delta house, swimming , boating and skiing with our dear friends the Anagnostou's. They bring so much positive energy and a sense of calmness. I appreciate their company. I'm even sporting a pretty good tan!
Otherwise, getting through this phase of my life. Loving my family and friends. I could not do this alone. Thank you.

The best part of my day; BBQ with my family- and being able to eat it.
The worse part of my day: Getting my "Nulasta" shot, ouch.



Sunday, July 6, 2008

Round 2

                                  My Mom and I.
It is getting harder.
This was round two, almost halfway there. I am starting to really feel the effects of the drugs.
 My "cocktail" consists of four chemo drugs, this one is called "Doxorubicin". In my case this drug hits me the hardest. It is responsible for all my hair loss, severe nausea and stomach cramping.
I can't even look at any beverage that has a similar color without heaving. 
I had this drug the first time I had chemo and am reaching the lifetime maximum dosage a patient can have.
This drug causes heart damage which is why I have had a heart scan and am scheduled to have another scan next week to determine if we can continue this drug.
 It robs us of our "vanity" by giving  us the physical appearance of a real "cancer patient". In my case, wearing scarfs and doo rags only to feel strangers looking at me wondering, "oh, poor thing, I wonder what kind of cancer she has? or worse, "Is she going to live?"
You can't help but "feel" these emotions when you see the looks you get in public. They seem to be extra nice but you can't help but feel their pity. It makes me want to wear a sign saying, "Yes, I have cancer, but I am kicking it's ass and I will be fine!
After being "down" for a week this time, I  have been enjoying the past week. Back in the saddle 
for those "grueling" lessons from my trainer. Not that I am complaining. I am blessed to be able to stay so active and maintain some of my strength and conditioning while I am going through this. It is my "plug" to stay charged so I can fight this while keeping a positive attitude for myself, as well as my family and friends. It's bad enough I have to look like a cancer patient, I sure won't let it make me act like one.

The best part of my day: Having Kaila come home from her trip to Tahoe.
The worse part of my day:  Doing seven loads of laundry.


Monday, June 23, 2008

Getting ready for another battle

After my last blog update, I am happy to report the past week ( third week ) has been filled with "good days". Almost feeling like nothing was ever wrong with me. Escaping from the disease and the horrific treatment to "kill" it. Food began to taste good again, no aches or pains, my energy and stamina returns. I feel good enough to take a quick trip to the coast with my lovely husband to escape the heat wave with it's 100+  degree temperature. We have a great time.
As I am enjoying these days I think about how much cancer has changed my life and all who are in it. If I can say anything that I have learned to my family and friends it would be to create joy in your world. I never think of myself as a "sick person" and looking at me, you would not either. In fact every doctor that has examined me and there have been many, say to me, " if you did not tell me you had cancer I would never know, you are so healthy".
We wait for our closets to be cleaned, our to-do lists to be complete before we allow ourselves to have fun. We believe only after we get our "stuff" done we can take a breathe and live.
Well, cancer does not wait. Live now, burn the lists and narrow your focus to what really matters. 
When your heathy, you think cancer is so far away. But when you are sick, you realize that it is all around you, just open your eyes. Even though we think we have control over everything in our lives, we don't. 
There are things I am changing in my life, but for the most part I had already learned how precious life is and am living the best life I can. Learn from my experience. Remember what you are waiting for?
Live well. Be happy.

The best part of my day: My 13 year old daughter Shae. shaved the rest of my hair and said, I looked cute.
The worse part of my day: Knowing my third week was over. (tomorrow is chemo day)


Thursday, June 12, 2008

"Healing Horse"

                                                         artists: Shae and Kaila
                                   

I woke up yesterday thinking," today is not going to be a good day."
Besides the severe headache that woke me up, my body hurt, my insides felt like they were being eaten away. Is that the chemo working? Along with the tumors being destroyed, so am I.
I hesitate to reach for any pain meds in fear that I am contaminating my body, but what I am afraid of? It does not get any more toxic than this. I try to continue to eat healthy and organic. Is this helping? Perhaps, for my mind only. I cannot add another piece of poison to my body.
Juicing my "greens" everyday, grinding wheat grass, which by the ways, sucks and tastes like I am eating a by product of a old lawn! Avoiding all my favorite "bad" foods, like "In and Out Burger" and a good old fashioned hot dog. Not to mention the foods I am ordered by the doctors not to eat, like my all-time favorite, sushi, salad bars and  french cheeses. Since one of the side effects from the chemo is a condition called  "neutropenia", this is caused when your white blood cell count drops and you are unable to fight simple infections such as from a cut or cold, and the ability to fight off any 'bad bugs" that might be in raw food. One bad bug could put me in the hospital or even worse. (we won't talk about that)
 I get a shot of "Nulasta" after each infusion. This shot revs  up my bone marrow to produce more white blood cells and with this comes intense bone pain especially in the lower back and hips as your marrow works in overtime to produce these cells quicker than the chemo can kill them off.
This is day 8 after my first round, about the time that my counts can "bottom out". I have realized that is why I  feel like SHIT. I am hopeful that the days to come will be better and next week should be my best week. Then we start over again...
My family continues to be at my " beck and call." Never leaving me alone and always offering their help. My youngest daughter, Shae has given up her summer vacation to be my personal nurse.
She has not left my side for a minute. Be careful not to say anything about "mom" when she is around , she has my back! 
 Knowing I had a pretty awful day yesterday, I woke up this morning to my surprise was a 5
foot "healing horse" made from paper towels, Clorox wipes, toilet paper rolls, and a ribbon for a tail. My daughters worked all night to create this for me. You can only imagine how happy this made me and what a proud "mama" I am.
Today, I WILL feel better.

Best part of today: My "healing horse".
Worse part of today: Feeling sick.


Monday, June 9, 2008

"Heers to Hope"- Lymphomathon


WE DID IT!
Me and the Lovazzano gang walked 5 k
through Golden Gate Park on Sunday.
Only four days after my first chemo!
I am proud to say the team I was on,
"Heers to Hope" was the top fundraiser of the event, raising just shy of $18,000 for Lymphoma research. Thanks to all of you , I was very pleased and honored to pledge my donation .I had the opportunity to met fellow survivors, especially Andy and Brigid whom I met online after a few days of being diagnosed. They both have survived Lymphoma and the treatment and are now in remission. Brigid just had her "miracle"baby five months ago and they are doing very well.  Being able to share experiences with fellow patients and survivors,  good and bad, helps with the coping process. Having my brother and sister in law and their entire family all the way down to "little" Tina , age 7, walk with me and my family was truly inspirational. We have decided to make this a annual event and plan to recruit many of YOU in the future.
On the "horse" front, while I was walking for Lymphoma, my trainer took one of my horses, San Diego ( my "fancy" horse) to a horse show in Santa Cruz. This is super news because she rode him in a Dressage test at "Prix St. George" level. "So, what does that mean?"
There are nine levels in the sport of Dressage. Grand Prix is ridden at the Olympic level. Since most horse and riders do not ever leave first level, to be able to get to Prix St. George, which is only three levels from Grand Prix is the equivalent to being recruited to the NFL. ( almost)
For us "horsey" folk, it is very big news!  The training is intense, takes amazing skill from both the horse ad rider and requires extreme precision and harmony. All of this is being done for me for encouragement, motivation and the true will to survive. So, when all this crappy poison and disease is out of my body, I will rise up, saddle up my horse, dance into the arena and blow the judges away. Don't let me forget that!

Best part of my day: Getting a massage. Ahh.
Worse part of today: Coming off the prednisone.




Thursday, June 5, 2008

I can feel it in my veins.....



I arrived at Stanford at 9:00 am. Along with my hubby and a tote bag full of movies, books, and lot's of Gatorade. First, we stop by the lab for a blood draw then on to the clinic to meet the doctor before I start the chemo. FOUR HOURS LATER, I check into the infusion center.
Since my first treatment will take the longest to administer (6-8 hours) they rush me back and I am settled in a private room. Finally, the catheter is inserted and the drip begins. Since the main drug used for NHL called, Rituxan can give severe side effects, it is administered very slow and my vitals are taken every 15 minutes.
From the first drip, I can feel it "attack" the tumors and kill all the cancer cells. I softly, tell my body, I am sorry to do this to you, again. I try not to think about how much poison is going into my otherwise, healthy body. Destroying all the good cells along with the bad.
 Oh, how I am praying that this will work!
 Aside from the "stabbing" pain in my stomach, I tolerate the drugs just fine. With Bruce and Cheryl ( by the way, she made sure I was well taken care of ) by my side the 11 hour visit went well. We got back home after 8:00 pm. It was a long day.
Feeling  afraid to wake up this morning to find myself in extreme pain, but thankfully  I am feeling  flu-like symptoms and tolerating it well.  
I am really looking forward to the walk on Sunday. I am amazed and so grateful for all the generous donations my friends have made on my behalf.  This inspires me, and I will not let you down.
 Thank you for all the "funny" cards and e-mails you send me. Remember, no tears. 
This is only another road block in my path that I will get through, so long as I have all of you in my life, I can conquer anything!

Best part of my day: Seeing my donations
Worse part of my day: Being stuck at home, today.


Monday, June 2, 2008

The First Step



Last night I took the first step to being in control of my treatment. My lovely friend, Rosanna
gave me my pre-chemo haircut. All of my hard work to grow out my hair from the last chemo, fell to the ground until there was no more hair to cut. Rosanna being the great stylist as she is,  still manged to give me some "style", even if it is only for a few short weeks until it is all gone. Looking in the mirror it instantly brought back memories from the first time. Memories that I prefer to forget.
I find myself spending the last couple of days before treatment scurrying to get everything I need or at least think I need. Like plenty of fluids, I am supposed to drink gallons and gallons of fluid in order to flush my body of the chemo toxins. The chemo works the minute it travels through your veins, it passes through the tissue then immediatly needs to be "flushed" out as much as possible in order to help avoid severe side effects. So you can see why keeping hydrated is key.
I am happy to say I enjoyed the weekend spending time and enjoying dinners with friends and family. I also, was back in the saddle and resumed lessons with my trainer. As usual she had me sweating and out of breath within minutes, she yells, "get the job done", with no mercy, she works my butt off. This is one of the things I love about her. She is another special person in my life determined to keep cancer from taking over my life.  All of this reminds me of why I am fighting so hard to stay alive. It was a good weekend.
As you may have heard, I am planning on joining the San Fransisco Lymphomathon this Sunday for a 5k walk. This will be only 3 days after my first infusion but I am honored to walk on behalf of this organization to raise funds to find a cure for  lymphoma and help all those affected by this disease. My daughters, Kaila and Shae along with my husband, Bruce will join me. Grandma might have to sit this one out. All of you are welcome along with your four legged friends to join us.  Please visit the website for event information or to make a DONATION
at www.lymphomathon.org
Thank you, my cherished friends.

The best part of my day:  My new "empowering" haircut!
The worse part of my day:  Today, nothing.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Plan....forward

Still soaking in the idea that I do not need stem cell transplant. I get a call from my Lymphoma oncologist, she asks to see me in an hour and plan on having a bone marrow biopsy while your here. Oh, God, did they miss something again? Did the pathology results have more involved?
The 10 minute drive to Stanford Cancer Center felt like it took an hour. 
Have you ever found yourself standing still with the world around you passing you by?
That's what this felt like. I was stuck, unable to move forward. Every thing else around me was on fast forward. Moving at warp speed, but I was motionless.
We arrived at the clinic, waiting another hour and was finally seen. Dr. Chen was him name, he would be going over the path results. The words Follicular Lymphoma come out of his mouth and I am relived, so this means nothing has changed. Still no plan to do the transplant. 
We need a bone marrow sample in order to "stage" the cancer. I have had this before and I know it hurts like hell!  Oh, shit , lets just get this over with. I am lying face down on the table, he scrubs me with betadine, gives me a local to numb the tissue." Sorry, there is no way to numb the inside of the bone, so I won't lie, this does not feel good." I turn my head to look at my beautiful husband , I can see him cringe as he shuts his eyes tight, I feel a deep piercing pain and it is over. Another biopsy done!
So, the plan....
I will need a heart scan to make sure my heart can handle one of the chemo drugs. I have had this drug before therefore, this may have caused heart damage due to the toxicity. In order to get it a second time, my heart must be healthy. 
The chemo of choice is called- R-CHOP, this will be given intravenously every three weeks for six cycles., and YES, I WILL LOSE MY HAIR!, Bummer! I just grew out all my crappy chemo hair from the last time. I am having my good friend Rosanna (hair stylist) give me my pre-treatment buzz cut next week. The last time I waiting until my hair fell into my dinner plate an left me packages on pillow every morning. Not this time!
Sorry, getting off track. 
The drug Rituxan is considered a "miracle drug" for NHL. Most of the time this is the only drug used to treat first time NHL's. In my case they are calling it "aggressive" behavior, therefore the moderate treatment plan is of choice. Each infusion will take 4-6 hours to ad minster
The biggest concern is the threat of infection when the blood counts are down. I will need to be safe during these times.
Midway through treatment, I will have another PET scan to determine if the nodes have shrunk. The hope is to get remission at that point and keep it there. Since there is no "cure" for this cancer it, however is very treatable and in many circumstances just gets watched. A patient can have many, many years of a quality lifestyle even with active disease.
So, I will face my challenges as they come, hopefully not for a long, long time. In the meantime,
this is what I will do for now.
I am still scheduled for June 5th.

The best part of today: My daughter Shae, making me fresh carrot/celery juice.
The worse part of today: Seeing my husband feel my pain.

 

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Did he hear my prayers?


Today did not start off so well. My mind is racing, why are the results taking so long?, why haven't I heard from any of my doctors?, maybe it's worse than they thought? Could it possibly get any worse? All that I am thinking is, "what am I going to do if they tell me I only have weeks to live". I hear about patients that get that same news. It has to be given to someone. Is that person going to be me? There is too much I need to do before I can go. I need more time.
Feeling pretty sad, I did my usual candle lighting at St.Pius church, bowed my head and prayed. 
This time I did not feel the reassurance I usually get when I visit this special place. I thought, "I may be in trouble". Needing to drive and collect my thoughts, I drove to the farm, still sore from surgery, saddled up my horse and took a ride. This gave me peace and I began to collect my inner strength to face what ever I needed to get through this. 
Driving back home, I began to feel numb. I ran out of emotions. I was completely drained. The minutest that  passed  felt like hours. Still no phone calls. 
At 5:00 pm the phone rings, it's Dr. Gregg the surgeon to tell me he has the biopsy results.
It's lymphoma, but this time it is Non- Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Just as they suspected, it was a different kind of Lymphoma. They call it follicular lymphoma grade 3. What this means is it is NOT considered a re-lapse since I was never treated for this type of cancer. What this means is I will NOT have to undergo a stem cell or bone marrow transplant. I am lucky enough to give this a try with chemo only.
The prognosis stays the same, but I am about to embark on a much easier journey with the treatment. So, for me and my family, I am blessed , my ( our ) prayers were heard!
There are a few more pathology results to get confirmed before I begin my treatment. 
I am still planning on starting treatment next week, but I will get to come home. Drive myself to and from treatments and bet your butt I will kick ass all the way through it!
This means I am back on my horse, enduring and enjoying every minute my trainer is drilling me to keep my shoulders back, tighten my ass, hold on tight with my calves, keep my elbows anchored to my sides, all with a BIG SMILE on my face!
I will keep you posted on the next step.

My favorite part of today: Telling my family, "I will not need a transplant" (maybe keeping some hair?)
My worse part of today: Waiting for the phone call.


Friday, May 23, 2008

Two Horses

Two Horses
author- unknown
Just up the road from my home is a field, containing two horses.
From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop and look, you will notice something quite amazing.... Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him.
This alone is amazing.
If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound , you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field.
Attached to the horse's halter is a small bell. It lets his blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow.
As you stand and watch these two friends, you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and the blind horse will listen for the bell and then slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray.
Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges.
He watches over us and even brings other into our lives to help us when we are in need.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who the  God's
places in our lives.
Other times we are the guide-horse, helping others to find their way....
Good friends are like that.... you may not always see then but you know they are always there.
Please listen for my bell and I will listen for your.
And remember-
Be kinder than necessary, as everyone you meet is fighting
some kind of battle.
Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply,
Speak kindly.... & then 
Leave the rest to God.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Caught a small break.

The prayers must have been heard. I am recovering from the biopsy at HOME! 
Feeling groggy and sore , but I'll take it.  I am at home!
I will spend the rest of the day enjoying the benefits of "drugs", if you can call this a "perk"of treatment and rest my mind and body. All to wake up tomorrow to be  back in the
 "waiting game". 
I am pissed off that I am wasting my time worrying about the unknown. For now, my days are good, I am not in pain, I am not uncomfortable, I CAN  live my life. Believe me, I know I should be enjoying these days, but I am too consumed with the worry. Guess this is another permanent "side effect" we patients, keep with us.

The tragic fire is burning close to our horse farm, thankfully not close enough that they are in any danger. In fact, we had  a couple "victims" re-locate to our barn for safety. All of our beautiful animals are safe and happy. For this, I am grateful.

My favorite part of today: Recovery at home with my loving family.
My worst part of today: Hearing the news about the fire.


Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Smiling more today


Well, at least I was smiling once I got through another scan this morning. Checked in at 6:30 then 2 hours later finally got escorted to a tiny trailer in the parking lot where the scan machine was located. After two failed attempts to get in the IV needle, the third one "stuck". Ten minutes later I was done. 
Thanks to my dear hubby, Bruce, he insisted we take a drive to the farm. With reluctance I, agree to go. By know, I should know better, every visit to the farm brings me peace and serenity. This is what I needed to calm my chaotic mind shouting all those negative thoughts to me.
Once I arrive, I feel happiness. 
It's like my horses sense something is wrong. I open the gate to see Tango, my black Friesian, he trots from the back of his paddock all the way to where I am standing, I whisper to him, "I am going to miss you, but I will be back". He simply lowers his head onto my chest and keeps it there. I can feel the warmth of his breath on my neck.  He does not move.
I proceed to have a great ride on him. 
"When I get on my horse the thing I always say is, "It doesn't get any better than this"
We all need to look for those moments. 
I check in tomorrow at 5:30 am for surgery, wish me luck! 
( Yes, my mind is quieter today.)

My favorite part of today: Getting to ride my horses.
My worst part of today: Being "stuck" three times and having to drink 10 bottles of water, yuck.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Another battle wound

Today, I only spent 1 hour waiting to see the doctor. This time it was with the surgeon from Menlo Medical who is doing my biopsy.  I am counting the minutes until my body and mind begin this "wild ride". Tomorrow at 6:45 in the morning I go in for another CT scan then the surgery is scheduled for this Thursday at Stanford Hospital. The plan is to get tissue from a node in my abdomen through a laparoscopy making two small incisions. Of, course there is always a flip side. Due to the vascularity of the abdominal walls, this procedure may be aborted and an "open" surgery will be required. This falls under "major" surgery and I will have to stay in the hospital for several days to recover. Either way, I can chalk up another scar added to my list of many . Just how I  wanted to spend my Memorial Day weekend.  All this added stress and anxiety and I have not even started treatment. I am feeling weak by allowing  "yucky" thoughts fill my mind. "What if there are surgical complications and I don't even make it to treatment?"  Then, there is the feeling of, "what if they mis-diagnosed this and there is even  bigger "beast" living inside me?" I know, tell me to stop thinking like that!  It's all part of the emotional baggage you deal with on a chronic basis once diagnosed. The negative voices never go away, you just fight hard to keep them as quiet as you can. 
My favorite part of today is: being one day closer to getting help.
The worst part of today is: being one day closer to getting help.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Taking my first ride....

Today, I had my first appointment with the lymphoma docs at Stanford. After waiting two hours in a tiny exam room, the doctor arrived. She was strong and confident. This helps with my anxiety." Were going to attack this again, she says.  Are you ready? Yes, I reply. 
This is the unconfirmed plan, we need tissue to confirm the type of lymphoma this is. Originally, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma ( HL)  chances for relapse are very rare. My cure rate was 85%! This time, we suspect it may be non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. (NHL) Present from the first time, however unable to have been diagnosed due to the area it was located. That means I could have had two types of cancer in my body.
 Surgical biopsy is scheduled for this week. Whether it is HL or NHL, the treatment is the same. This treatment is called a "stem cell transplant". Pretty scary and very invasive. I will be treated with the highest form of chemo a human can endure.
In the end the plan is to kill every living cell in my body including my bone marrow, hopefully keeping me alive during the process. Then transplanting my own "clean" cells ( harvested after I go into remission) back into my lifeless body with hopes of a cure. With many months of recovery and remission I can go on to live a healthy life. As I get more info on the exact names and procedures of this process, I will share them with you.
For now, I am scheduled for my first in-patient chemo round at Stanford on June 5th. I will get 48 hours of "poison" run through my veins, then recover for a few more days until I can be released back home where I will continue to recover. Then a few weeks later we will repeat the process. Another scan will be ordered to confirm that I am in remission, this is when I will need all your prayers and positive energy sent my way. If the cancer is gone, then we go back into the hospital to "harvest" all my good cells that will be stored and transplanted on my new
"birthday".
Hopefully there are enough ( billions) cells to collect for transplantation. 
A short recovery at home, then back to the hospital for the transplant. This is were is gets "ugly". I will spare you all until I get more accurate info on this since this sounds like, under isolation, they will slowly kill me over 5 days then transplant my own cells back, where I will, by the grace of GOD, come back to life.
My plan is to keep this journal up to date so that all of you can keep sending me your good and positive vibes. That is what got me through the first battle and will get me through my last battle. Since this is the last time I am going to allow this to happen to my life. 
I spend most of my time finding inner strength and keeping peace in my soul. As most of you cannot relate ( and I don't want any of you to ever have to ) once you are a "cancer patient", it never really leaves you. Your mind and soul are scarred forever and you find yourself always asking for one more day. Thinking, is today the day it comes back? 
For me, I have found my horses as my therapy, I mean outside my family and friends of course.  Riding my horses have given me so much joy and passion. Where other "patients' struggle to find comfort in living life after cancer, I was blessed to connect with these strong beautiful animals and they give me freedom from the fear of living. I have and do enjoy everyday of my life, my family, my friends.

If I can ask you to do anything for me, it would be to keep me in your thoughts, send me positive e-mails and funny cards, but please no sad ones.
 Try NOT to make me the center of gossip or have too much pity for me. This will only create negative energy that I do not need. 
 Be supportive to my family, especially my lovely mother who at the age of 76 should not have to be spending her life taking care of me.
As mother's yourselves I am sure you can imagine how hard this would be if this was your child.  At any age your baby,  will always be your baby.
Food- I appreciate all the offers, but keeping a somewhat normal routine at home will be the best. My dear friends the Moran's have generously offered Monday meals at home. I am sure my extended family ( hint hint) will bring us their favorite dishes.
Prayers, as a devoted Christian I hope to have some answers someday on why this has happened to me, three times. It will be the first thing I ask! For now I keep my faith strong and continue to believe in the power of prayer. For those of you who believe, you can continue to keep me in your prayers.
On behalf of my girls, thank you for all the support that has poured in from all of their wonderful friends. I am so happy they have friends in their life like you.
I think that is it for now. As long as I am able, I will continue to report my progress. 
Be well!
Tina





Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Here, I begin riding through my journey...


Today, I woke up with the realization that I am fighting cancer for the third time.
After two years of remission, the cancer is back.
Let me start from the beginning. I am a 40 year old, happily married wife of seventeen years. 
I have raised two amazing daughters and am blessed to have my nurturing mother at 76, live with us. Because of these four people in my life, I have survived cancer twice.
In 2004 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, with no signs at all, it came out if nowhere. This led me to a radical hysterectomy and a ten day hospital stay. One week later, I got the wonderful news telling me there was no more cancer! No additional treatment was needed. At that point, I did not feel worthy of calling myself a " survivor". After all it was just a surgery, I did not endure the effects of chemo and radiation. I saved that credit for all those warriors fighting "real" cancer.
One year later, on the night of my 14 year wedding anniversary, I noticed a small lump below my collar bone. Two days later  I got the phone call from the doctor telling me the needle biopsy results showed that I had cancer. This time it's pretty serious since they did not know what kind of cancer it was. After a surgical biopsy, bone marrow biopsy and PET scan, it was determined I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. 
All I kept hearing was, how lucky I was to have the "good cancer". What the hell does that mean? The word, good and cancer could not be in the same sentence, right?
I decided to have the treatment in a private medical clinic with an amazing doctor. She held my hand through the entire process and became a "friend" I could count on. I choose the Stanford 5 therapy and radiation. This would be 12 weeks of weekly chemo treatments and 4 weeks of radiation therapy. The hardest part of all was telling my two daughters that I would be sick for awhile. They took the news pretty well, but were not happy to hear I would lose all of my signature waist long hair. Neither was I.  
In February 2006, It was finally over and I was in remission. Now I could finally call myself a 
true survivor. I went through it all and managed to" kick the ass" of the disease!
After 2 years of three month check ups, I had finally graduated to six month check ups. Well, I never made it to my first six month check up. I noticed another "lump" on my neck. Oh, please let this lump go away. After three weeks, I decided to have it checked. Another needle biopsy, this time with  no results,  a PET scan was ordered. There it was, another dreaded phone call from my doctor saying, "evidence" of re-occurrence. It is back, now what?
I have my fist appointment Monday, May 18th.