Round #4- Happy Birthday!

Not wanting to be doing this on my birthday.  Since I was not given a choice, kicking cancer's butt is my gift.

Here are my two Birthday presents! 

Escolta, is a 6 year old PRE Andalusian horse imported from Spain. He is a sweet, kind horse who would prefer to crawl up on your lap and be a "house pet". The other is "Lilly", a 3 month old mini-horse, who is 23" tall and will mature to under 30". She likes riding around in the back seat of our truck and follows us all around the farm. The "big" horses are not quite sure what to think of her, but Lilly is sure she is the boss!

As you can see I have been quite busy and very blessed to have these new additions to our family. No time to deal with the aches and pains of chemo. 

I had my fourth round of chemo and am coming up ( in a week) to my fifth round. I will have to say the side effects are getting stronger, but being so close to victory is my reward. 

In less than four weeks I will be done, hopefully forever. Or at the least, for many, many years 

of remission. 

My heart scan was normal. 

Guess that shitty, "red drug" that I told you about earlier has not been able to take me down. My heart is undamaged and looking really strong.

As I approach the end of treatment, I can't help but allow all those all those negative thoughts to creep in. Like, how am I supposed to live everyday thinking about the next scan or feeling for another "lump" on my body. After everything I have been through, I cannot allow this to take even one minute out of this precious life I am living. If I do, then I am a prisoner of this disease.

I have earned my "freedom" and deserve to live well.

I am doing everything I can to "survive" this, and so far I am.

The best part of today: Going to "play" with my new my presents.

The worse part of today: Sending my kids off to school, I like having their company.

Round 3- Good news!

I can't beleive I am officailly half way done!  Hurray!

I am happy to report that my last PET scan, done last Friday, was completly NORMAL!

No sign of any cancer, activity or tumors. All GONE. This means I am responding very well to treatment and once I complete my treatment I have a better prognosis for the future. 

As I just finished chemo yesterday and feeling all the gross effects at least I can be encouraged to know that it is really working. My "search and destroy" mission is in effect and all those cancer cells are dying. So far, I am in control of this battle and WINNING!

As some of you already know, I decided to switch my treatment to Palo Alto Medical. I am seeing the head oncologist there. She has a delightful bedside manner and is very attentive to my needs, which I am sad to say I did not get from Stanford. After waiting four hours to see a fellow resident ( not even my own doctor) and then another 8 hours in the chemo ward. I decided that environment was not healthy for me to be in. I have enjoyed my experience at PAMF it is much more personal, you are not just a "chart" but a real person with feelings. 

For example when I had my scan I got a call from my doctor a 6:00 that night to give me the good news, at Stanford I would have waiting at least 5 days to get the results. You can imagine how pain staking it is to wait.

Now, I am at a better place so I can continue to keep positive and generate good energy.

As I have had some time on my hands during my "sucky" days,  to relive my "cancer blues"

I have decided to plan some traveling. Although I have always had the ambition to travel the world, my fear of flying has always stopped me. Well, that has changed. Flying is the last thing I am afraid of, in fact after this battle there is nothing I am afraid of. That is one of the good qualities this disease brings. Is lack of fear.

My first trip will be to Spain to train with silver Olympic medalist, Juan Matute. He happens to be the the trainer of my beloved Andalusian stallion, Bizarro XX. Who passed away from a fatal condition last November. There has not been a day that goes by that I do not think of him. He was an angel and he brought me so much joy and happiness. I look forward to seeing him again someday.  This trip will not only be inspirational for me but also full fill my passion for the Spanish arts and architecture. 

We spent a lovely weekend at our Delta house, swimming , boating and skiing with our dear friends the Anagnostou's. They bring so much positive energy and a sense of calmness. I appreciate their company. I'm even sporting a pretty good tan!

Otherwise, getting through this phase of my life. Loving my family and friends. I could not do this alone. Thank you.

The best part of my day; BBQ with my family- and being able to eat it.

The worse part of my day: Getting my "Nulasta" shot, ouch.

Round 2

                                  My Mom and I.
It is getting harder.

This was round two, almost halfway there. I am starting to really feel the effects of the drugs.

 My "cocktail" consists of four chemo drugs, this one is called "Doxorubicin". In my case this drug hits me the hardest. It is responsible for all my hair loss, severe nausea and stomach cramping.

I can't even look at any beverage that has a similar color without heaving. 

I had this drug the first time I had chemo and am reaching the lifetime maximum dosage a patient can have.

This drug causes heart damage which is why I have had a heart scan and am scheduled to have another scan next week to determine if we can continue this drug.

 It robs us of our "vanity" by giving  us the physical appearance of a real "cancer patient". In my case, wearing scarfs and doo rags only to feel strangers looking at me wondering, "oh, poor thing, I wonder what kind of cancer she has? or worse, "Is she going to live?"

You can't help but "feel" these emotions when you see the looks you get in public. They seem to be extra nice but you can't help but feel their pity. It makes me want to wear a sign saying, "Yes, I have cancer, but I am kicking it's ass and I will be fine!

After being "down" for a week this time, I  have been enjoying the past week. Back in the saddle 

for those "grueling" lessons from my trainer. Not that I am complaining. I am blessed to be able to stay so active and maintain some of my strength and conditioning while I am going through this. It is my "plug" to stay charged so I can fight this while keeping a positive attitude for myself, as well as my family and friends. It's bad enough I have to look like a cancer patient, I sure won't let it make me act like one.

The best part of my day: Having Kaila come home from her trip to Tahoe.

The worse part of my day:  Doing seven loads of laundry.

Getting ready for another battle

After my last blog update, I am happy to report the past week ( third week ) has been filled with "good days". Almost feeling like nothing was ever wrong with me. Escaping from the disease and the horrific treatment to "kill" it. Food began to taste good again, no aches or pains, my energy and stamina returns. I feel good enough to take a quick trip to the coast with my lovely husband to escape the heat wave with it's 100+  degree temperature. We have a great time.

As I am enjoying these days I think about how much cancer has changed my life and all who are in it. If I can say anything that I have learned to my family and friends it would be to create joy in your world. I never think of myself as a "sick person" and looking at me, you would not either. In fact every doctor that has examined me and there have been many, say to me, " if you did not tell me you had cancer I would never know, you are so healthy".

We wait for our closets to be cleaned, our to-do lists to be complete before we allow ourselves to have fun. We believe only after we get our "stuff" done we can take a breathe and live.

Well, cancer does not wait. Live now, burn the lists and narrow your focus to what really matters. 

When your heathy, you think cancer is so far away. But when you are sick, you realize that it is all around you, just open your eyes. Even though we think we have control over everything in our lives, we don't. 

There are things I am changing in my life, but for the most part I had already learned how precious life is and am living the best life I can. Learn from my experience. Remember what you are waiting for?

Live well. Be happy.

The best part of my day: My 13 year old daughter Shae. shaved the rest of my hair and said, I looked cute.

The worse part of my day: Knowing my third week was over. (tomorrow is chemo day)

"Healing Horse"

                                                         artists: Shae and Kaila

                                   

I woke up yesterday thinking," today is not going to be a good day."

Besides the severe headache that woke me up, my body hurt, my insides felt like they were being eaten away. Is that the chemo working? Along with the tumors being destroyed, so am I.

I hesitate to reach for any pain meds in fear that I am contaminating my body, but what I am afraid of? It does not get any more toxic than this. I try to continue to eat healthy and organic. Is this helping? Perhaps, for my mind only. I cannot add another piece of poison to my body.

Juicing my "greens" everyday, grinding wheat grass, which by the ways, sucks and tastes like I am eating a by product of a old lawn! Avoiding all my favorite "bad" foods, like "In and Out Burger" and a good old fashioned hot dog. Not to mention the foods I am ordered by the doctors not to eat, like my all-time favorite, sushi, salad bars and  french cheeses. Since one of the side effects from the chemo is a condition called  "neutropenia", this is caused when your white blood cell count drops and you are unable to fight simple infections such as from a cut or cold, and the ability to fight off any 'bad bugs" that might be in raw food. One bad bug could put me in the hospital or even worse. (we won't talk about that)

 I get a shot of "Nulasta" after each infusion. This shot revs  up my bone marrow to produce more white blood cells and with this comes intense bone pain especially in the lower back and hips as your marrow works in overtime to produce these cells quicker than the chemo can kill them off.

This is day 8 after my first round, about the time that my counts can "bottom out". I have realized that is why I  feel like SHIT. I am hopeful that the days to come will be better and next week should be my best week. Then we start over again...

My family continues to be at my " beck and call." Never leaving me alone and always offering their help. My youngest daughter, Shae has given up her summer vacation to be my personal nurse.

She has not left my side for a minute. Be careful not to say anything about "mom" when she is around , she has my back! 

 Knowing I had a pretty awful day yesterday, I woke up this morning to my surprise was a 5

foot "healing horse" made from paper towels, Clorox wipes, toilet paper rolls, and a ribbon for a tail. My daughters worked all night to create this for me. You can only imagine how happy this made me and what a proud "mama" I am.

Today, I WILL feel better.

Best part of today: My "healing horse".

Worse part of today: Feeling sick.

"Heers to Hope"- Lymphomathon

WE DID IT!

Me and the Lovazzano gang walked 5 k

through Golden Gate Park on Sunday.

Only four days after my first chemo!

I am proud to say the team I was on,

"Heers to Hope" was the top fundraiser of the event, raising just shy of $18,000 for Lymphoma research. Thanks to all of you , I was very pleased and honored to pledge my donation .I had the opportunity to met fellow survivors, especially Andy and Brigid whom I met online after a few days of being diagnosed. They both have survived Lymphoma and the treatment and are now in remission. Brigid just had her "miracle"baby five months ago and they are doing very well.  Being able to share experiences with fellow patients and survivors,  good and bad, helps with the coping process. Having my brother and sister in law and their entire family all the way down to "little" Tina , age 7, walk with me and my family was truly inspirational. We have decided to make this a annual event and plan to recruit many of YOU in the future.

On the "horse" front, while I was walking for Lymphoma, my trainer took one of my horses, San Diego ( my "fancy" horse) to a horse show in Santa Cruz. This is super news because she rode him in a Dressage test at "Prix St. George" level. "So, what does that mean?"

There are nine levels in the sport of Dressage. Grand Prix is ridden at the Olympic level. Since most horse and riders do not ever leave first level, to be able to get to Prix St. George, which is only three levels from Grand Prix is the equivalent to being recruited to the NFL. ( almost)

For us "horsey" folk, it is very big news!  The training is intense, takes amazing skill from both the horse ad rider and requires extreme precision and harmony. All of this is being done for me for encouragement, motivation and the true will to survive. So, when all this crappy poison and disease is out of my body, I will rise up, saddle up my horse, dance into the arena and blow the judges away. Don't let me forget that!

Best part of my day: Getting a massage. Ahh.

Worse part of today: Coming off the prednisone.

I can feel it in my veins.....

I arrived at Stanford at 9:00 am. Along with my hubby and a tote bag full of movies, books, and lot's of Gatorade. First, we stop by the lab for a blood draw then on to the clinic to meet the doctor before I start the chemo. FOUR HOURS LATER, I check into the infusion center.

Since my first treatment will take the longest to administer (6-8 hours) they rush me back and I am settled in a private room. Finally, the catheter is inserted and the drip begins. Since the main drug used for NHL called, Rituxan can give severe side effects, it is administered very slow and my vitals are taken every 15 minutes.

From the first drip, I can feel it "attack" the tumors and kill all the cancer cells. I softly, tell my body, I am sorry to do this to you, again. I try not to think about how much poison is going into my otherwise, healthy body. Destroying all the good cells along with the bad.

 Oh, how I am praying that this will work!

 Aside from the "stabbing" pain in my stomach, I tolerate the drugs just fine. With Bruce and Cheryl ( by the way, she made sure I was well taken care of ) by my side the 11 hour visit went well. We got back home after 8:00 pm. It was a long day.

Feeling  afraid to wake up this morning to find myself in extreme pain, but thankfully  I am feeling  flu-like symptoms and tolerating it well.  

I am really looking forward to the walk on Sunday. I am amazed and so grateful for all the generous donations my friends have made on my behalf.  This inspires me, and I will not let you down.

 Thank you for all the "funny" cards and e-mails you send me. Remember, no tears. 

This is only another road block in my path that I will get through, so long as I have all of you in my life, I can conquer anything!

Best part of my day: Seeing my donations

Worse part of my day: Being stuck at home, today.